sadness and turning away
all she loves
does she know what it is?
who will come and love her when she’s grieving
the sisters will come and dance but they also are
the underworld is pushing up,
and she fights desperately to hold on
to not let the lights go out
should she give in?
when she does for a moment, when she yields to the song it
takes her over completely
for a while
until her mind remembers
picks over the bones
only her love restored, only the proper place of all its in place,
child at home
at her knee, will restore
she wonders if she is too possessive
too unimaginative to love otherwise
up in a rush of feathers
she gets up flies off the nest
like Lilith to the hoopoe tree
she flies over the world like Inanna checking on her lands
she can’t stop being a mother
she is wondering,
do they miss me?
the crown of winter is upon the earth
and it’s fitful,
not a peaceful blanketing of time
really it is a disruption, the arctic freezes wildly rocking
poles shifting under her, her own
heya hey, she’s becoming
a wisewoman planet*
where are we now
sisters of the sacred, are we holding space for this?
are our drums and dancing feet
enough to keep this going?
are we laughing sacred laughter and dreaming
through this, is the ancient
the howl of all the suffering alone and in company,
do we believe in evil?
in ourselves the horror to be faced
needs to be remedied,
is sacred to find
the thread to the next or the one before or
a lake to contemplate
is this peace?
so much sadness and absence and rejection, refusal,
to leave home
to leave my bed and my fire
what made me do it was
a need like Inanna’s maybe?
something not right, need to be dissolved
and if I fail?
can’t think that but every time
there’s a sense of resolution,
peace or acceptance, the two sides of myself meeting or just all of myself
meeting myself and saying yes
and then a goddess peace and love answer coming to me through sisters
overwhelming me and calling into question
frustration then not knowing where this takes me, if it is coming to me
what does it mean?
how do i move with it in my life, pursue it
or just let it be or
let it go and regret
that is what set me in motion to begin with
and i’m no closer to an answer
though Diana** has gotten free time to do stuff at home which she wanted
that makes me glum my absence a gift to her
am I ever going to find love and peace in the world, or
accept the world without it,
absence and pain no different here but anesthetized
with difference, motion
only giving me time and space alone
and I did want the movement towards warmth
but i don’t really find it, not summer in the northern hemisphere as far south as i might go
it’s still cold and dark
the light starts to return today,
am i ready?
I can only hope no matter what,
my low vibrations,
something will lift me
the energy of the goddess regenerating herself
will find itself in me
will know how to move when I don’t
will energize my mind and spirit and body and heart, emotions and gut and sex
and eventually I will accept, I will understand and live
peacefully with my sisters
my rebellious nature somehow moved or shifted
let be and let grieve
if Demeter is a lioness she takes her courage
her life through the world
accepting her cycle with the rage as sea and storm
eruptions of fire-earth and
these are her cycles
she does not apologize and her sisters if afraid take their own courage and join
her in the dance,
singing heya hey
she moves in her own sacred way
keeping strength with
what she knows to be real
no matter who moves against her
she is rock and magma,
waterfall and lakes, springs and salt and marsh
the world does not end, the stars revolve
*referring to Paula Gunn Allen’s essay ‘The Woman I Love is a Planet, the Planet I Love is a Tree’.
**referring to the poet’s wife Diana Signe Kline. the poem interweaves personal life with archetypal and cosmic concerns.